


By What Will But Mine?

by Sid45ultra



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Do not read if you are in a depressed state of mind, If you are contemplating suicide please get help, Thoughts of Suicide, seriously, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 12:47:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9549845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sid45ultra/pseuds/Sid45ultra
Summary: Kaidan struggles to come to grips with Gunnery Chief William's death on Virmire.Unbetaed(This contains extreme themes of suicide and depression.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this to deal with some stuff I've been going through and thought it might be interesting or helpful to some other people. I am a suicide survivor and in no way condone suicide. If you are having suicidal thoughts please get help, there is always a reason to keep going.  
> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (America) 1-800-273-8255.

Kaidan stared at the predator pistol sitting on the table in front of him. The weapon was unobtrusive where it sat, just a foot away, glinting dully in the light from his desk lamp. He’d carried the gun for so long it had become an extension of his arm, his fingers fitting perfectly in the grooves cut into the grip. Some men named their guns, but Kaidan had never seen the point. It was a tool like any other, he didn’t feel the need to name his omnitool or armor, why should his gun be any different. The young soldier sighed and ran a hand through his hair, a gesture he’d forcefully adopted to keep him from fiddling with his implant. He already had a migraine going, whether it was from the implant or the events of the day he couldn’t be sure. 

He’d nearly died today. A simple word from his commanding officer and he’d have been vaporized along with half of Virmire. Instead, Shepard had decided to come back for him, leaving Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams to die in his stead. Kaidan was still trying to come to grips with her death. He’d never been close with the Gunnery Chief, but she was a good soldier and a great member of the team. He’d gone over the events of the day, trying to determine some way they could have saved Williams, but every scenario he ran in his head ended with one of them dying. Kaidan couldn’t imagine how the Commander was feeling, having to choose between the two of them. He just couldn’t understand why Shepard had chosen him over Williams. They had no great connection, no history, no friendship. Their relationship was as cut and dry as any commander and subordinate. Kaidan dropped his head into his hands, shoulders shaking with silent grief. 

He stayed that way for a time, tears welling behind his eyes but never falling. He tried to weep, tried to force the tears out like they were poison, but they would not flow. Eventually he righted himself, eyes settling once more on the gun. With a tentative hand he lifted the weapon, the weight surprising him as it always did. Nothing that could take a life should ever be that light. He turned it over in his hand, examining every scratch and knick from years of use. Kaidan closed his eyes as he lifted the gun until the barrel touched his temple. It was cold against the skin, pressing flat to his head. He imagined pulling the trigger, hearing the distinctive sound of a particle no bigger than a grain of sand being excited to a high enough velocity to become deadly thanks to the mass effect generator in the body of the weapon. He didn’t think it would hurt, maybe burn a little, but he’d be dead too soon to really get the full effect. For a second his finger tightened on the trigger, pulling it to the first firing point. Another pound of pressure and he was dead.

Kaidan lowered the gun, hand shaking. He ran his free hand through his hair again. He knew he wouldn’t kill himself, he would save that privilege for some lucky geth or batarian slaver. He knew he wouldn’t dishonor Ashley’s memory shooting himself. Kaidan refused to render her death meaningless by dying by his own hand a few hours later. Kaidan returned the gun to the table before stretching out on his bunk and closing his eyes. He tried to shut out the flash of light as they fled the planet, tried to forget the sound of Williams voice as she accepted her fate. He couldn’t blame fate or destiny, the universe was amoral and had no interest in any such nonsense. He would have to live with the fact that he lived by Shepard’s will and no other’s, not even his own.


End file.
